Horrible...

... would be the perfect word to describe my test on Thurs. afternoon. I think it was best said in a post to an actuarial exams message board, "You know that great feeling you get when you solve a problem and see your answer in the choices? Yeah, me neither."

I could go on about how ridiculous the SOA is, or rant and rave about the actuarial exam qualification process and how it is set up not to prepare you for an actuarial career but instead piss off half of the students who then quit and therefore keep the profession small and elite. But I won't. I'm still trying to keep an optimistic attitude about my newly chosen career and I don't want to become quite so bitter only 1/5 of the way through the exam process. Wait till exam 8 or 9 and I might be writing long, raving, ranting, complaining, bitter posts. But for now... let's just say I'm extremely upset with myself.

No matter how many other people I know who thought the test was insane and impossible, it still doesn't seem to help me take the blame off of myself for possibly failing. No matter how I can KNOW that I KNEW the material as well as I possibly could - KNOW that no amount of extra studying would have done any more to prepare me for the test. It doesn't matter. It was my first test at my new job, and I clearly have not proven myself like I was hoping to.

Yes, the questions were esoteric and impossible. Yes, there were quite a few questions that came from absolutely no where. But... if I was truly smart enough... I would have passed. That's what just keeps going through my head.

It is still possible that I might have passed. We'll have to wait 8-10 weeks to see. For now I am going to enjoy it being over and prepare myself for studying all over again for the same test. It will be OK - I can handle failure.

But I am still glad I changed jobs. :)